Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Randomize
