Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
