I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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