her vagine was all disorganized.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
