i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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