Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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