oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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