Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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