Me. At least after what I've been through.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
