Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
