Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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