burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
