Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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