WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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