I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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