why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
