Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
