I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got chris browned last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
