I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
