So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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