My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
