How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
