Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
