i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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