A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
