Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
