you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
