Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
