Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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