i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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