So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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