To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
