I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
