Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
