new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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