there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He? As in you personified your dick?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
