I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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