You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize