ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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