been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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