3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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