Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
