mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
