I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
