It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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