Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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