Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize