I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
