I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
