some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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