I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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