we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize