so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Who died my cat blue again?
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