why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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