Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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