i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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