He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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