So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
home. puking in laundry basket.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
