She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this beer tastes like vomit already
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
