I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
