Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This baby is an asshole
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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