Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
